Hey guys, chicks dig me.

So I was in some serious lust with this cute dyke girl who did body piercing in Sacramento. Try as I might, I could never get up enough courage to talk to her. every time I would even think about it, I would get all shaky and sweaty and would drop things and drool on myself like an idiot.

One day, I was walking home from my job at a coffee house when this blue Miata drives up next to me and the girl stands up on her seat and says to me-

"Can I give you a ride to my house?"

*gulp*
Her house.

So I tried to play it all cool and smooth. Even though I was crusted with sweaty coffee grounds, I assumed my 'too cool for school' stance, raised my eyebrow at her and flashed her my best Christian Slater smile. It took me a while, but I finally had the perfect answer all formed in my brain. Yes. All I had to do was say "yes" and get in the car.

Instead, I pointed at her car and said-

"In that?!?"

She looked confused and said "Well, yeah."

So, in order to cover my extremely un-sexy boo-boo, I was going to say "Cool! Nice car!" but it came out strange. Matter of fact, it sounded a lot more like-

"Is it even yours?" Which I added punctuation to by swiveling my head around rapidly on my neck, weasel-like, as if expecting the cops to pull up any time and arrest her.

"No," she said. "It's actually my fathers car."

"AH-ha!" I said, now completely giving in to my psychotic full body tick, arms waving around wildly and feet dancing around as if someone had taken a tazer to my spine. "Your father's MID LIFE CRISIS, you mean!"

"Uh...?" she said, fingering the keys in the ignition and slumping down in her seat. At this point I figured that she would be no longer interested in giving me a ride to her house.

"No thanks! I'll walk!" I said, and I had to clap my hands over my mouth to keep myself from adding "Which way is your house?"

And then another time I was at a fetish party/book signing thing. A *very* handsome latex dyke came and stood next to me. I was in a pretty isolated spot (after all, I am just a hick with no social skills) so it was just the two of us standing there. I *knew* she was looking at me, so I felt compelled to say something to her. Before I could stop myself, i said-

"Gee! Your chaps smell great!" I squeaked out, my voice crackling worse than Bobby Brady's ever did.

"Oh, um, thanks" she said, and introduced herself. We got to talking for a while (actually she was doing the talking, I was working really hard to not drool out the abundant amounts of saliva that had spontaneously formed in my mouth). Again, I had the nervous twitch thing going. This time it manifested itself as me manically wringing and scratching my hands.

"Are your hands bothering you?" She said, reaching out for them as if to massage any pesky hand cramps away.

"NO!" I shouted. "I HAVE BUGS, IS ALL!"

I believe at that point she just walked away. I couldn't really tell you for sure, though. At that point I was hyperventilating and had put my head against the wall to keep myself propped up, should I pass out.